It was brutlly cold, the wiknds cut through you and the cheap jacket ou had on didn't repel any of it. People take drugs because they can't handle harshnessand they didn't get nrtured enough as a child. They got thrown out in the world without adequate reassurances, their mother never made it sothey could take for granted they'd always be safe, that they were special, they were blessed and allthe horrible things in the world were either out of sight or could be urned off by a T> V> changer or called weird or rejected, those things didn't exist, they weren't real, you were, you and all the things like security blankets you could clutch ontoand feelsafe under, they were the things that existed. The closest thing ugly shit ever came to you was seeing something like commercialsd of starving people in Africa, and your capacity for suffering was so stunted, your entryinto the world, your progression from expulsion from the womb was so incomplete there was no way you could understand any of that, there has to be a place where you got hurt where your mom dropped you that irrationally acts upwhen you see sich pictures for them tobe anything but opaqu, the equivelant of an ordinaryperson looking say at an abstract expresionist painting,”it don't mean nothing,its just scribbling, a child could do it.”None of the patterns of logic dictated by pain desire, none of them have been developed in you so you can't unravelit,its in a languuage you can't translate, its a cipher, its not even interesting, it doesn't even engage your attention, the only things that engage your attention is the feeling of arms around you that are omnsciently guaranteed never to drop you, they are the whole world, or if they aren't what of the world you can see beyond themyou see throufh the filter of their all encompassing selfless security YOU are the reasonthey exist. People get born this way and they never start to feeklthe slightest pull of responsibility on them by life til they start aging and even the demandsof this coveted position can start to present a burdenon them, everyone ages. Then they get cranky and they expect mother, a world that's always blessed them to hold their burden even tihter so the little bit of weight they had to exert to exist evenin this condition can be lessened. That's whyold people get so unendurable sometimes, their simply isn't anyone or anything that can remove the burden of their condition to the extent they need, ther's only so much entitlement, so much codependence anyone can give another person, and as they get older and their need exceeds the maximum codependence they can get they become chronically bitchy. Addicts aren't born with any nurturing and then they are thrust into war zones, torture chambers places of constant helplessness and the constant violation of primal terror. This is what the world is to them anongoing barrage of artillery of anxiety that overdoses the mind into nonfunctiong and screaming for what=something they never had and have no reason to believe even exists in the world, they believe there's a God or a mother but in their world view, it isn't somethinfg that protects or was put there to protct them, its a dark double that follows them everywhere and its only purpose is to undermine them, constantly violatwe them, particularly at moments when they have to feel that their next act is most guaranteed. At the moment their sure their next act has to be most Guaranteed,that';s the moment that black doubled that is alwayds encompassing then swallowing them consuming themin flames,thsat's the moment it will strike with the most merciless vengeance, the most pitiless assauslt, and the addict knows one thing, he has no defense whatsoever against the full measure of pain and anguish that's gonna envelope him to the point whrere the pain is so grat he just wishes to God he could never have been born he could fade to extinction where the dark being can't follow him, he wishes he never had existed. Thjat's where the drugs come in and man the more of them the better and youlove them like nothing else cause even if they are killing you and all they areis the mother who cradled people in nutring safety you never had in your abandonment, they areis the closest thing to the mrciful god, of course their not merciful, your walking around looking like a corpse from their ravagement, but they are the closest thing to the merciful God that nurtures others that you never experienced or can't even conceive of ot ever. He walked through the cold and he was running away from his kids on Christmas to score and allhe felt was pirranha bites slicing into him and along with it a sense of anxiety lifting, he'd be there,he'd have it, the money was ready, he'd cop, this hell would go away soon.
Bad time christmas time blues